There’s all this noise and all this bright light coming from my study. It’s shining from this object in the center of my desk. I’m drawn to it. I sit down in front of it.

Hours go by. Maybe days go by. It’s hard to be sure anymore.

I’m trapped by it. I don’t like it. I love it. I don’t want it. I need it. I can’t stop it. I must stop it…but it’s so interesting to:



…see silly people filming their dog that can walk on its front legs for a long, long time, like forever. Who knew dogs could pee while walking in a handstand? Cool.

…see babies taking their first step while their mother cries with granny and a cat winks. Aren’t they just so cute? Who knew cats could wink?



…see a motorcycle try to fly across a canyon and not make it to the other side. Is that guy dead? He’s got to be paralyzed for his whole life at least. Pretty awesome.

ebola us


…see another case of Ebola not in darkest Africa this time but in a bright hospital in Texas and who knows where next? Terror is cool, too.

…see a riot in Ferguson, but not Ferguson, someplace else, maybe my very city, yeah right down the street from me. Should I go out there and protest? Sure, in a minute, but first I want to…



…see if ISIS really does have chemical weapons after all and if they’ll use them and what people’s faces will look like if they use them? And are nuclear blasts the next big thing? That’s what I’m thinking…horrible, sure, but so immediate and kinda miraculous, too.

polar bear


…and see if polar bears will all die in the heat of a global warming winter…

…and see if Taylor Swift does shake her butt too much in her new video like somebody said she did on some show, maybe Fallon or Conan…I can’t remember…



…then see what happens when one stupid senator who says something even more stupid than another senator who did coke and paid hookers and took photos of his joint and now is crying and so sorry about it all. It’s like theater…real theater. Or maybe it’s just really bad life theater…but addictive all the same and so fine to know that it’s not my life I’m watching…

…or even living much these days because the life right on top of my desk is just so interesting or titillating, which are just about the same thing. Aren’t they?

But I worry a bit when I see some good-looking psychologist from some east coast psych ward pontificating about how we’re not living our own life, but she can fix that by getting us to download her life-lessons tutorials…but that’s too slow to do and filled with crap I’ve already tried and abandoned. And besides I’d rather see…like…all of it today…so…

facebook on faces


I will mouse-click-close soon, very, very soon. I will close Facebook and Huffington and CNN and Al Jazeera and even my own email, which is pretty boring anyway, and then I’ll go outside…or talk to my wife or a neighbor or maybe go to the golf course and hit a few balls…

…but first, I should check out the Golf Page and get some tips on putting and chipping, which are the important shots. Youtube’s good for that…I’ll just watch one or two teaching clips from all those pros who know how to do it right.

golf swings


Yeah, that makes sense. Take a look at the pros and follow their tips on how to do it. Sure. That’s the smart thing to do before I go outside and waste time getting dressed and driving there and walking and getting sweaty and tired and thirsty….that’s really just a waste when I can get it here, now…right now, in front of me. Right here.

Yeah…for real. For sure. That’s what I’ll do.




4 Responses to My Real Virtual Life

  1. robin andrea says:

    I recognize myself in this post. Such a time we live in, such a crazy time. We walk a few miles everyday. We never take our shiny devices with us. It is very liberating.

  2. Really, actually, fun to read.

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