My cough started about six weeks ago in Warsaw. I figured it would go away in a day or so, or maybe a day or so after that. Then, after a few weeks of hacking and rotting my teeth on cough syrup, the end of our trip was near enough that it seemed best to wait until we got back in the U.S. to deal with it.

So, I called Kaiser Permanente on Tuesday for an appointment with our primary care doctor. Guess what? She’d had her baby and quit the business to be a stay-at-home mom. I wasn’t surprised, though she promised me months before that she’d never give up “doctoring.” Whatever.

I called for an open appointment with any available doc. They gave me a 2:15 with Dr. Spock. That’s not his real name, but it’s appropriate as you’ll see when you read on.

Scary alienThe nurse led me to the exam room and said he’d be with me in a few minutes. I looked for a magazine to read; and as I glanced around the room, I saw them, lots of them—framed images, figurines, grainy newspaper stories taped to the walls, plastic bobble-headed beings in chartreuse.

All of them were aliens. The exam room was like a mini-museum, or shrine, to UFO creatures. I also noticed a newly framed Masters Degree in Physics hanging on the wall. Hmmm? Physics, huh? This doc is some kind of fanatic.

Then he walked in. Short, thin, round bald head with large eyes that looked at me quickly then flitted away, narrow fingers that never stopped moving.

“Hi, what’s going on?” he asked kindly.

I almost said, “I was going to ask you the same question.” Instead, I started to tell him about my cough, but then I couldn’t help interrupting myself with, “So, I take it you’re, what, into UFOs and aliens?”

He smiled at me disarmingly, hearing a tad of judgment in my voice, “Sure…aren’t you?” he asked.

“Uh, not really. I mean, there’s no proof, real proof, is there?”

He smiled again, “Of course there is…more proof than any intelligent person can deny…”

It wasn’t a put-down or a challenge. The way he said it was a simple statement of fact.

“You mean, like UFO sightings and Roswell and stuff like that…?” I said.

Then he let it all hang out and began a discourse on the history of aliens on our planet. He was animated, excited with facts and details (his Physics Degree in evidence), all perfectly memorized and delivered as if a friendly lecture for a child. I was the child.Inquisitive aliens

He took me to his office, showed me videos of aliens and UFO sightings. The latest and greatest is the Temple Mount sighting in Jerusalem. (The link is below if you’re interested in seeing it.)

When I started asking questions about why aliens would come here, and what they wanted and why didn’t they just show themselves to us plainly, you know, do a TV interview or something, things got a bit weird.

“They’re here to stop us from hurting them and destroying the cosmos.”

Huh? Hurting them? How?

“Since we acquired nuclear weapons, the stakes have gotten really serious and they needed to do something to avert certain disaster.”

“’Do something?’ What are they doing?” I asked trepidatiously

Pool shark alienThings got even weirder as he began to carefully explain the alien plan of abduction of certain humans, the cross-breeding of our DNA and theirs, the return of the hybrid creatures to Earth…all leading to the eventual and complete comingling of alien and human life forms.

He was looking right into my eyes and I was staring into his eyes, and the question inevitably rose to the surface. “Have you been abducted?” I whispered.

There was that smile again, “I wouldn’t tell you if I was,” he smirked.

Wow…creepy. But also intriguing.

“Fair enough,” I nodded, “but just for the record, I haven’t,” I said with a certain pride.

“You can’t know that for sure,” he countered.

“Why can’t I?”

“Erasing memory is one of the characteristics of abductions,” he said calmly.

Wow, super creepy now. Time for me to leave.

We shook hands (his body temperature seemed normal in case you’re wondering), and I found my way out of the building and over to the pharmacy where I stood in line for the prescription he’d written.

waving alienI looked at the person in front of me. And the person behind me. And the people sitting in the chairs and on the couch waiting for their prescriptions. I wondered how many of them had been abducted and were now part alien.

Or could I be the only one? I glanced at the prescription in my hand. What was it really for? And would I remember any of this in the morning?

[To his credit, Dr. Spock cured my cough, which went away the next day. I considered requesting that he be our new primary care doctor. But I learned that he’s not taking on any new patients. Too busy I guess with more important concerns.]

Temple Mount Sighting


11 Responses to My Doctor, The Alien

  1. Peter says:

    There’s a Star Man waiting in the sky. He’d like to come and meet us but he thinks he’ll blow our mind…

  2. Peter says:

    There’s a star man living in the sky. He likes to come and see us but he knows he’ll blow our mind. Love Peter

  3. Laurei says:

    Brave soul. Go with your instincts. This was classic and amazing. Brilliant.

  4. Frank Z says:

    Thanks for the great comments everyone. And thanks for spreading the word on my blog to your friends and network community!

  5. Maxwell says:

    Do Dee Doodie, Do Dee Doodie…They’re here and their called Republicans!

  6. It’s strange, but I have noticed that people can hold what I consider irrational fixed ideas and yet still do competent work in a technical field. I once met a creationist physicist.

    Most enjoyable, good sir.

  7. Susanne Ziegler says:

    Enjoying your writing!
    Do you think Tim was or has been abducted?
    Haven’t heard from him in over a week!!!

  8. Beverly Pine says:

    Next time you visit, get his views on Scientology — might be interesting. FYI – I hear you can go to the beautiful center in Hollywood for a beautiful outdoor Sunday brunch ….. but then ,,,,

  9. Stephanie says:

    I contend the sighting in Israel is the second coming of Jesus Christ.

    Yes…..I’m giggling.

  10. Gordon Hackstaff. says:

    Too funny- I really enjoyed this piece. Forwarding to my northern California sister

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