Who names cleaning products? I presume, it’s some marketing dude or dudette inside the manufacturer’s warren of cubicles, or an advertising copywriter tasked with selling the sudsy, powdery, or liquidy stuff to us.

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What I do know is that whoever named the cleaning product I bought the other day to try and salvage my beat-up jacuzzi cover reached the zenith with a name like Clean & Perfect. The brazen audacity of it astounds.

Who doesn’t want all things clean and perfect? Who would admit to a goal less than that if a simple spray bottle could make your wishes come true?

Of course, we’ve grown up with dozens of cocky, self-assured cleaning monikers: The egotistical, Fantastik; the hip, Beach Boy referential 409; the seriously determined Resolve; or the even more serious Pledge, which makes a solemn commitment to clean.

There’s even a man named Mr. Clean (Is there no Mrs. Clean?), and Fabuloso, which I bought in St. Thomas, a kind of purple Fantastik for the Puerto Rican market. There’s Soft Scrub (nearly oxymoronic) and Scrubbing Bubbles (definitely an oxymoron), and there’s a whole world of environmentally friendly cleaners with names that can make you wince or scratch your head. Seventh Generation, for instance, is the category leader. Huh? What were the other six generations?

But Clean & Perfect is my favorite surfactant, which aboutcleaningproducts.com tells me is a material that allows a cleaning solution to wet surfaces, emulsify greasy soils, and lift away dirt.

I thought of the book I’m working on, all those messy chapters I’m struggling with. Perhaps I could make them clean and perfect with just a spray or two. Or maybe a simple squirt could brighten the edge of my psyche where the disappointments of childhood still linger. Could it return the sparkle to my eyes as when the world shone anew?

I thought of my soul. I want it free of any stain left by the Catholic Church or the Devil himself. I thought of my life. I want it emulsified, so long as that’s not too painful a process. I thought of the world in general. I want all the dirt lifted away. I want it to become clean and perfect.

Clean And Perfect, yes, that’s what I want. And for $6.95 I have it. Too bad it didn’t work so well on my jacuzzi cover.


One Response to Clean And Perfect

  1. MARY ELIAHU says:

    This is oh so true , we are all taken in my clever advertisement. I bought Kaboom ( from the 99cent store) for the shower to remove the soap scum–I have renamed it Kacrap-doesn’t work! And low and behold Uri has bought it again for six times the amount from the home depot-still Kacrap!! MARY

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